I've been thinking a lot about my studio, obviously, and its importance to me. I remember back when I first moved into my current space, I had grandeous ideas of of how this space would become the hub for many figure drawing gatherings that me and my friends wanted to do together at the time. Work space, let alone enough space for several artists to work at once, always seams to be at a premium, and this space was perfect. The area entirley devoted to figurative drawing and collaboration gradually shifted into a make-shift "den" complete with a couch, a few chairs, area rug and a coffee table.
This time of collaboration, networking, and sharing of models and working with people was important, but since then my direction with my work has changed. I still have yet to actually come up with a cohesive plan for a body of work that actually involves serious figurative work, and I'm really beginning to wonder if I ever will come up with something. Since I draw pretty much weekly, and collaborate a lot of sessions, most people inquire if I actually do anything with the work...
To me, its some-what surprizing that I haven't done anything. And then, on the other hand its not. Most of my life has been felt feeling rather alienated and distant from the people and community aorund me. I have difficulty connecting with other people, connecting with the ideas most people seam to have in regards to being human, society, gender issues, that sort of thing. There's nothing that's that important to me that I have to say.
So now that the figurative work is without focus, that area of my space has become pointless and scattered. I feel pointless and scattered. The loss of space made me struggle a lot with my identity as an artist, and if I'm actually worthy of what I currently have, or if I should give the opportunity up to someone more deserving. I've become, admittedly, exceptionally critical about what I see around me in respects to fellow artists and their art. I'm no exception from my own criticism. Honestly, thinking back, this had a lot to do with why I left NSCAD and Halifax. But the area is packed and no longer in the studio, and I feel like I want to keep it that way. I want to reclaim the work space as work space for larger projects, and some-how have my actual life outside of the work space too..
I need to rethink this opportunity and take hold of it again. I'm working larger, and intend to continue doing larger work, even though there's no notion of practicality in anything I'm doing. I've come to realise that it is ok to do the art I want to do, simply because I want to do it and not because it needs to be sellable and have monitary value.
I think I still want to do figurative sketches. But need to reconsider the venue for selling.
I want to do larger work that is challenging both mentally and physically. But I need to find a venue for showing.
I desperately need a gathering space to call home and connect with people again.
Anyway, these have been the things working through my brain over the past week as I've finally gotten my hands on the next 4x6 canvas, as well as 3 more 4x8 sheets of plywood. I wanted to share a photo of the one drawing I had started, and will come back to as I start working on the other 3.
In February while I was AWOL, I put in a grant for a project I wanted to do. Its still in the back of my mind. Part of me is frightened that I get it, and won't be able to make my idea work. Another part is very hopefull and eager for the opportunity to actually do something that's a step in the direction for doing work on a scale I find really exciting.
