My entire life I’ve struggled with the idea of roles and finding my own place in the world. I continually question if art is truly a worthwhile and meaningful endeavour which can possibly be significant to a larger picture or, if I’m following this path through personal selfishness and if that is the case, is it actually ok to exist that way and feel good about being selfish?
I thought moving would be a fresh start and act as some sort of conclusion to some of these thoughts, since fate randomly hooked me up with this opportunity instead of the alternatives which probably would have sacrificed my studio entirely, but it’s turning out to be not the greatest idea. There’s been several challenges to immediately overcome upon moving in, and I’m immediately unsure if the pros of this space really DO outweigh the cons. There’s a feeling of helplessness in not knowing what the solution is, or what the next step is. Past months have been spent feeling like my head is just barely above water. Is it ok to live this way? Is it ok for me to live this way? Is the sacrifice worth it?
The biggest dilemma of all, is that I realize I have every option to just immediately, knowingly change it. I’m not stuck into this path because I’m not intelligent enough to hold down a regular, steady full-time job. I’m smart enough to go to school and finish a degree in something that’d get me a job that is secure and pays enough to live decently, dare I say comfortably. I’m just continually conflicted about which direction to choose.
Finding studio and living space and the appropriate balance between the 2 has always been the challenge, and there are always sacrifices to be made, but this time I’m wondering if I’m strong enough as a person to exchange space, heat, and working plumbing in exchange for peace and quiet.
2 nights of sleeping there (almost 3 but I got fed up with the noise), I’ve been introduced to the bands that rehearse in the building (starting) at 2 am in the morning.
Today I bought earplugs.
I'm really tired.
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I keep hoping I'll grow up and figure out what to do with my life.... but you know, time has about run out on that. So join the club. :)
ReplyDeleteOn another note, just having your sleep schedule messed up like that can screw with your biochemistry and make you depressed.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I do realize, often, after ranting and raving that I really am NOT much different from the rest of the world... but regardless of how common they may be, they still exist and I still need an outlet to try and sort my feelings. I've been finding that blogging, even in an attempt to write unsuccessful posts has bene highly theraputic.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to the biochemistry of it all, I wonder if I should return to a nocturnal life-style to cope with the noise, taking advantage of the silent day time to catch up on sleep, at the risk of sacrificing few things I enjoy now happening at regular day-time hours. Hrm.